Let's Fly Solo Together

My attempt at convincing champion soccer player Hope Solo to go on one date with me.

Anonymous asked: I bet U think U R so funny, well I went to High School with Hope and She is classy no matter what the media says and You are making Her look even worse like a W H O R E which she is not, why would you do that? Just because She is famous nodoesn't mean She is not person

I’m sorry for the frustration. I’m not sure what i wrote that paints Ms. Solo in a negative light. I’m also not sure why your knowledge of English grammar is so atrocious. Are you sure you went to high school with Hope? She wrote a book; you couldn’t get through a sentence without reverting to single-letter representations, such as “U” and “R.”
I also never mention sex at all, which begs me to question your use of the patriarchal stereotype of “whore.”
For the record, I do think I’m “so funny.”

Date idea #27

Dear take-no-shit-off-nobody Hope Solo,

Imagine you and I, driving in my cavalier with the passenger window broken out. I tell you the story of having a sleeping bag stolen from the back seat. You say “That’s too bad. I was hoping we were going camping,” and smile.
When we get to our destination, you see a party going on and you ask if I know the people inside.
“Kind of,” I say. “This is Brandi Chastain’s house and I brought us each a dozen eggs and a 24-pack of toilet paper.”

visionofachampion:

A better picture of the the Fitness magazine cover

Are heart palpitations natural when seeing a picture like this?

visionofachampion:

A better picture of the the Fitness magazine cover

Are heart palpitations natural when seeing a picture like this?

loveofussoccer:

WOAH! Didn’t realize how many notes this got. Maybe I’ll do more…. or not. IDK Hope does give great facial expressions so its easy.

Love the ‘tude, Hope.

Make your own Star Wars Character

socraticgrant:

barthbader:

How to Create your own Star Wars CharacterHave you ever wanted to put Boba Fett’s head on Luke Skywalker’s body? I know you have. Well, I made it possible for you. Hours of entertainment and fun. I may or may not add more characters to this if anyone really really wants me to (but probably not). So, here is the link! Go try it out. http://www.trailer29.com/378

Very exciting developments afoot in the DIY virtual Star Wars figurine vertical.

So I’ve realized the error of my ways. See that, Hope? I’m willing to change when someone proves me wrong. Compromise, my friends, compromise.

So I’ve realized the error of my ways. See that, Hope? I’m willing to change when someone proves me wrong. Compromise, my friends, compromise.

I’ll have the wine, Hope will have the Gatorade

This column first appeared in Issue 30, Volume 63 of The Easterner


So I might have created a blog to ask U.S. Women’s National Team goalie Hope Solo out on a date.
Do I think she will respond? No, but that was never the objective.

The idea came after I read an interview in which Hope expressed that she gladly welcomed new love interests. I thought, “Hey. I’m not athletic, good-looking or rich, but why not give it a shot.”

Look at that, I made a pun about taking a shot at a goalie. See Hope, I can be incredibly charming at times.

Given the chances a short, mustachioed male with no college degree has with an Olympic gold medalist, things are not tipping in my favor. But why should that stop me from asking?

I have spent a large number of my 26 years living in fear of being turned down or unaccepted. Whether it was a job I was afraid to apply for or that karate class I ran out of in tears when I was in third grade, I let fear take the wheel.

It is exhausting. I am constantly figuring out ways to not reach for what I want. Every opportunity feels like another promised failure. If there is a chance I might lose, I do not want to play at all.

My mother was diagnosed with cancer in November of 2011. In March, 2012, I sat in a hospital room for two weeks, fortifying my heart for the goodbye I knew was coming.

On May 22, we found out the chemotherapy was working and the cancer was shrinking.
My mother had a snowball’s chance in hell, so all she could do was swing for the fences. She is not in perfect health; the cancer still takes up a large part of her lungs. And the fear has never left. She just decided to stop letting it drive.

I decided I wanted to live like that: no more shying away from a chance at happiness, no more cowering in terror that I may fail. Of course I will fail. I will probably fail a million times.

I will take classes that land me right on my face. I will apply for and be rejected from countless jobs. I will take my first fly-tying class and end up in the emergency room with a fish hook stuck through my pinky. It is inevitable.

But maybe that fishing hook ends up on a line instead of in my flesh. Maybe I snag a perch by the pinky, instead. OK, so I know absolutely nothing about fishing.

And yes, Hope Solo is going to reject my request for a date. I will get an extremely polite form letter from her publicist telling me to “cease and desist” and “understand there is legal precedence that says I could face charges,” and all that other playful stuff.

When I get rejected, I will curl into a ball and cry while eating cookie dough and drinking bourbon. I will spend all day watching “Law and Order” marathons, questioning the meaning of life.

When the bourbon runs out, I will turn off the TV, take a shower, and find a new celebrity to ask out over the internet.

And Hope, if you are reading, I am willing to go on just about any adventure you can think up. But I will still never go to a karate class.

I’m going to sincerely apologize for that last post with the rhino and the bad joke and the sheer stupidity that came on me when I thought it up. I’m sorry.